I grew up going to church. I always though I understood how Christianity "worked": memorize your Bible verses, be nice to others (especially when you're around church people), sing in the kids' choir, do whatever the grownups asked, dress up on Sundays, know all of the "right" answers, et cetera, et cetera. And that's what I did. I was a "good girl." I followed the rules; I even got baptized around fourth grade.
For the longest time, that's all I thought Christianity was. Dressing up, playing church, saying empty, mindless prayers before bed and every meal... Then, around seventh or eighth grade, I realized that there was, is, so much more. Dressing up on Sundays means nothing. Those empty prayers? Did I mean them? Truly? No. There is more. There is so much more!
For the longest time, I thought I was fine on my own. I didn't need anyone's help; I've got this, thanks though, maybe another time?
It took forever to get it into my thick skull that I wasn't alright, am not alright, all on my own.
I need other people.
I need God. And He wants to help. Loves to help. Loves me.
My favorite verse is Isaiah 40:31. It says, "but they who wait for the Lord will renew their strength; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint." They who wait for the Lord.
Not they who zoom ahead all by themselves, who do what I was trying to do, they who wait.
Then another verse came to mind:Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not in your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Lean not on your own understanding.
That's what I was doing. Leaning on myself. Relying on my intellect, not the Holy Spirit, which is what I should be doing.
That's when it became real. I started trying to surrender to God, to look to Him for my next move. Believe me, it's not easy. It's actually the hardest thing for me. I'm constantly battling myself to let go. To give things over to God and rely on Him and not myself.